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recovering undercover over-lover.
02 May 2016 @ 07:42 pm
"and i hope i’ll find
something
to live for, for

stop for a second
take a breath
learn a lesson

staring at the walls for something new"

Today I wrote my *last* paper of the semester. I still have 2 finals to study for, but I'm pretty sure my final grades will be A, A, B. I am pretty stoked. I'm stoked because I had an awesome fucking semester following a terrible, harrowing fucking break up. I lost 27 lbs and feel confident/happy in my body again, I'm consistently lifting weight, making nutritious choices, and truly just "doing me." I had a good fall semester, and thought it was because I was content in being part of a couple. But I did even better this semester, and accomplished so much more for myself. Not only did I do well in school, but I focused on outside interests completely revolving around building and growing me into who I want to be for me. I spent the majority of this semester crying and in a daze, and yet I didn't let it interfere with school work or deciding to get serious about fitness, etc. Sure, there were times I had to work extra hard because I'm sadness would overcome me and I knew I'd have to stop short, but even then, I came out on top.

I'm a fucking boss!!!!!!!
 
 
Current Music: Kilo Kish - Fulfillment? | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.

 
 
Current Music: Honne - 3am | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
27 April 2016 @ 01:13 am
I wore my first ever "super crop top." i have a crop top that i love, but it's only slightly cropped--so, the front is shorter than the back but nothing is really showing. i had another in the past this is similar. i was super nervous but it looked cute and i hope to wear it again at some point, lol. it's too big on the sides (kinda massively so) and i really should get a size S, i'm too lazy to exchange it but since i'll be done with school after next week, i should have more energy. i think i'll feel less weird when it fits properly.
 
 
Current Music: Bright Eyes - Easy/Lucky/Free | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
27 April 2016 @ 12:50 am
SOOO.

I'm no longer trying to lose weight. i'm 5'6", 143ish. My body fat is 23%, and my measurements are 32-27-39. i am SUCH a pear. i would like to be a 37.5" in hips, and lose a couple of inches off my thighs (they're 24"...thick thighs do indeed save lives)and get down to 22% BF, but i am proportionate and happy. all of my stats are good, everything on my fitness test was in the fit/excellent category and i am DONE fighting my body. i celebrated today but eating about 3 TBSP of peanut butter featuring a tiny apple. my goal was to get back to a healthy weight, and i realized that in wanting to get to 140, i was still thinking about a magical number that wouldn't make me happy. what is 3-5 lbs when i'm already in a good place?? my original goal was 145 anyway.

i'm excited abt the goals i've set for myself b/c they have NOTHING to do with the scale. i feel free. i'm going to keep lifting 3 days a week (my main focus and bread and butter), doing cardio, eating 1230-1350 cals a day (prob around 1260, when i used to try to stay STRICTLY at 1230 on a bad day), and maintaining my weight. it feels nice to have non-scale goals and truly believe in them :).

so much of my life these past 5 years have been weight focused. i've learned that it's miserable and i forget to be HAPPY. when i was 138 it wasn't thin enough (even though i'm healthier now 5 lbs "heavier" than i was back then, but that's another post!), when i gained 43 lbs i only thought about losing it, and i will not do that to myself again.

i think this is what the outcome should be. developing a healthy relationship to food, self, and body. 
 
 
Current Music: The Internet - Girl | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
13 April 2016 @ 10:25 am
soooo my old job celebrating its 5th anniversary last weekend. party on saturday: carbs! dinner on sunday: carbs! salt! i bloated to 152 but i am back down to 147.2 and hopefully will be at 146 by this sunday. 145...will i ever see you when not dehydrated or after peeing for 5 mins? but anyway, i just think it's kewl that i know how my body works and know when i'm bloated and signs of bloating (tip: if you weigh the same thing in the morning as you do before bed w/ no fluctuation, it's prob bloat!) and i know i'll get there. i wanted to cry monday lol.
 
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
27 March 2016 @ 01:26 pm


Stayed up talkin' all night
Take my body, it's so right
Tired, but we go all night
Baby i'll roll, pass the blunt
 
 
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
27 March 2016 @ 01:14 pm


these pics themselves are very "meh" but i've had a fun filled/questionable sleep weekend. i am no longer stressed from midterms as i kicked ass and only have to finish a paper today that i'm not too worried about. i am starting to be proud of my body and what i've accomplished. i've got 7 more lbs till 140 and then i'm going to stop. i want to have the courage to wear a bathing suit this summer :o
k gym flow then paper time :)
 
 
Current Music: Bas - Too High To Riot | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
11 March 2016 @ 09:10 pm

 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.





I've seen you with the lights off
I've seen you when you think you love me
I've seen you with your hat off
I'm dreaming of a time you knew me

So baby, is it all you've got?
Tell me if you got some more-ore
I'm thinking of some time off, off
I'm dreaming of a time when you knew me

Some things never seem to fucking work

[...]

Convinced myself you were the shit (were the shit)
Convinced myself you loved me

So baby, is that all you got?
Tell me if you've got some more-ore
I'm thinking of some time off, off
I'm dreaming of a time when you knew me

So maybe then we're better off
So maybe if it's all you wanted it
Leave me alone
Leave me alone

[...]

Remember when you missed me (missed me)
We'd accidentally meet purposely
Convinced that we were meant to be (meant to be)
Convinced myself you loved me

So baby, is it all you've got?
Tell me if you got some more-ore
I'm thinking of some time off (time off, off)
I'm dreaming of a time when you knew me


 
 
 
 
recovering undercover over-lover.
09 March 2016 @ 11:07 pm

lolz.
 
 
Current Music: lion babe - jungle lady